This week I have been confronted with the question, why do I dance? I'm really not that good, I am not going to be pro, I don't wanna go pro, I don't want any career in the dance world, and have I mentioned I am really nothing special? Dance does not always make me feel like a million bucks either. Sometimes it makes me feel like crap. Sometimes I hate that I have been dancing for so long and I am not as good as I should be, I hate my turn out, I hate my hips, I hate my spine, I hate that my legs aren't miles long, I hate that I can't pick up combos quickly, I hate that I am directionally challenged, I hate how self conscious I feel going across the floor, I hate that I never get auditions, I hate that I get more corrections than compliments, I hate that the only times I feel like I am good enough is when no one is watching, I hate that I will totally know how to do something but get out in class and not be able to do it, I hate that I get the same corrections no matter how hard I work on them, I hate that I don't have a tilt even though I stretch every day, and the list goes on. But all of it somehow becomes worth it for those few magic moments when it comes together and you feel powerful, strong, beautiful, graceful, and in control all at once. Those precious moments when I feel so passionate about what I am doing I can't describe it. Those perfect moments when I dance for myself and no one else and every painful class, every tear of frustration, every bruised knee, every torn back muscle becomes negligent and you are left on the studio floor sweating, fatigued, breathing hard, your face red, your muscles sore, but your heart exhilarated and you have never felt more alive in your life, and it is in that moment when you understand what it means to live fully and passionately, and you question why you have ever settled for living any other way. it is in that moment when I know why I dance and come back time and time again to every class, rehearsal, and improv sesh in my basement to once again pursue that feeling of worth, value and determination surging through every muscle. I dance because when I do I become the best version of myself.
